Get Rid of the Assumption that Partners Should Be Mind Readers

Removing the assumption that people should read my mind has made me more at-peace in relationships.

Always anticipating a partner’s needs is often seen as part of the ideal romance package.

Having a partner “read your mind” can feel wonderfully affirming. It may reinforce that your partner loves you because they see you and know you so well.

I recently read a comment that said “if the chemistry is there, you don’t need to communicate.” 🫨🫨🫨

Not only is it a fairy tale, it’s poor consent practice. While not all consent has to be enthusiastically expressed or verbalized, there must be some way to establish mutual understanding without, especially a form of “no” or a request to stop. This applies in and outside of the bedroom.

In every relationship, we establish patterns and expectations.

Sometimes those patterns are set more explicitly (e.g. “Because it works best for our schedules, let’s make Fridays our regular date nights”)

Sometimes those patterns are set through behaviors (e.g. Because a partner needs to wake up earlier for work, they go to bed earlier and you eventually find yourself going to bed earlier, too, for the good night snuggles)

After these patterns are established, we sometimes can reasonably expect partners to anticipate certain needs and perpetuate patterns and vice versa (for better and worse).

I can get upset when a partner doesn’t behave toward me in a way that I believe is “common sense.”

It can contribute to a narrative that they don’t really care about me or the relationship. If they actually cared, they would/wouldn’t do that - because I know to/not to do that, duh!

But is “common sense” so common?

We should focus far less on policing “common sense” and replace that energy with curiosity. Instead of assuming someone lacks the values of your specific upbringing, environment, and philosophies, ask “Why do they do that? Why do they think that way?”

For example, while it is common sense for me to take shoes off in my home or anyone else’s without asking, I unfortunately cannot assume that’s common sense for everyone 🤢 

When you assume... you create a narrative in your mind that can make a meal of your biases and create a gulf of misunderstanding.

Trusting your intuition is not reliable relational advice for everyone. As someone who still sometimes has issues being in touch with my body and my feelings, I know that not everyone can rely on their gut to tell them what feels right or wrong. 

What has helped me is taking note of patterns (sometimes literally) and trying to compare my notes with reality as best as I can. This involves asking my partners clarifying questions, hearing out what was going on in their minds, and how they saw and interpreted the situation. This process can hone discernment.

Instead of stopping at assuming...

Discuss what happened and where the miscommunication or misunderstanding came from. Work together to reach understanding. Remember: you are on the same team tackling the problem.

Help develop an emotional road map for each other and further polish your mental models of each other to help avoid these potholes in the future. 

The issue may not be fixed by the next time it occurs, but there must be a sustained mutual dedication to reaching understanding and there must be a standard to work toward. 

If no progress is made (over a period of time based on respective capacities and tolerances), different strategies should be employed or the possibility of incompatibility should be considered. 

Note:

I am by no means saying you shouldn’t have standards or expectations.

You absolutely should have standards, expectations, and boundaries. I just want us to further normalize explicitly making sure we’re actually on the same page.

I also want to emphasize that abusers can try to manipulate you into believing you’re always wrong in your interpretation of their behaviors. That is why I emphasize focusing on patterns. Notice whether there’s consistency between what a partner says and what they do. Notice how often they actually try to help you feel safe, to help regulate your nervous system, to help you feel understood, while also honoring their own boundaries and capacities.