"Friends with benefits" is out. Sex with benefits* is in. (*the main benefit IS friendship!)

This post is not at all an argument against casual sex and relationships. No relationship needs to exist on the escalator to be valid, healthy, or sustainable (and they certainly don’t need to be exclusive). However...

There is little point in trying to appease anyone uninterested in being genuinely curious about you. It is not your job to put on a display of perfection because bad faith detractors will always move the goal posts.

Politics can be generally summed up in two questions: Who gets what resources? Who gets to decide who gets what?

By its very nature, politics is all about relationships between people (individuals and groups).

As written in "The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy” by Andie Nordgren: "Love is abundant & every relationship is unique.” In polyamory, cultivating equitability can allow for greater flexibility and negotiation, while fostering and respecting the autonomy of all parties involved.

Hot take? If you and a partner are "ready" to jump into polyamory but one of your agreements is the ability to veto metas... then you're probably not ready to practice polyamory yet.

Abolition is about addressing harm and creating accountability without incarceration. It is a movement that isn't only about dismantling the prison system but also about building relationships and community. Relationships do not exist in a vacuum, even when they are not explicitly political.

Being solo polyamorous does not automatically equate to being "afraid of commitment." Solo polyams are not just irresponsible rakes and Casanovas who are uninterested in more "serious" relationships and connections. However, the beginnings of my solo polyam journey were motivated by avoidance and fear.

A few non-exhaustive pointers for “opening up.” It's going to be challenging. Your feelings are going to get hurt. You're going to hurt feelings. This isn't to scare people off - just a warning against flippancy.

Listen to Elizabeth Cunningham and I chat about the relationship escalator, mononormativity, intersectionality in polyamory, altruistic hedonism and a lot more: tinyurl.com/RelationshipEscalator

(seriously, we touched on a lot and that hour flew by!)

Desirability politics revolves around intersections of identities that are deemed not only sexually/romantically/socially desirable or attractive - but more importantly, deemed worthy of resources and structural power and influence. Some identities are seen and upheld as more valuable than others.

I'm a solo polyamorist with relationship anarchy leanings who isn't interested in marriage - unless perhaps it's a friend with (excellent insurance) benefits - and doesn't want kids of my own and isn't especially drawn to living with partners. In realizing this over the years, I've felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders when it comes to dating and relationships. Here's where HIGH STANDARDS, LOW EXPECTATIONS comes in.

Online dating is so normalized, but it still exists in a weird liminal space of socialization. Monogamous dating can be hard enough, but there are even fewer examples and models when it comes to non-monogamous dating. If you don’t know where to begin when it comes to putting together a solid polyamorous dating profile, I hope this can help get you started!

Even 10 years into non-monogamy (and almost 30 years in the human experience), I can still find it difficult to confidently express my boundaries and to bring up concerns in a timely manner. Here are some strategies that have helped me communicate with partners when I’m emotionally activated.

Why wouldn't loving you be work? Why should loving you be easy? Being non-monogamous and examining the way I relate has helped me realize that of course it feels harder to support and connect with people when the responsibility rests on the shoulders of the individual.