Am I Making Excuses for Toxic Behavior - Or Are Those Actually Green Flags?

Learning to identify and maneuver around red flags is crucial, but so is learning to spot green flags to let us know which relationships to keep.

Green flags are behaviors or traits that show that a person respects your autonomy, values, and boundaries. These patterns may contribute to your well-being and feelings of safety.

In the aftermath of my tumultuous premier relationship, I beat myself up for ignoring or not noticing the red flags. Being the significantly less experienced one (with a fear of rejection and abandonment) and being indiscriminately open to trying new things led me down a path of self-betrayal and codependency, where I mistrusted myself and went along with his worldview -- and his view of me.

"I'm too reserved and withholding, so he pokes and pries because he wants to connect with me."

"He's an alcoholic but he's been drinking less, which means he can change."

"It's okay when he hurts my feelings because he always cries and says he's bad and that he's sorry and I'm pretty sure he means it."

I misinterpreted these as indicators that he valued me and I downplayed my need for boundaries for 5 years. Because of this, I'm still from time to time terrified that what I see these days as good indicators are in truth toxic, manipulative patterns that I'm being completely blind to yet again.

Still want to facepalm and slam my head through a table some days, but learning to trust and listen to myself has been key - and on going.

So what are some patterns that I know for certain have been green flags in my relationships since then?

• I can express insecurities and complicated emotions without fear of retaliation or escalation into a fight.

• Consent is a priority, not an optional afterthought.

• In disagreements, we work together so that we both win. No one has to lose.

• Concerns are addressed directly and compassionately, not via passive aggression (or outright aggression).

• When I need space, my partners give me space. They don't push and claim they know what's best for me.