Gallows Humor & Internalized Racism

[CW: examples of anti-Asian racism]

In high school, my nickname was "Soy Sauce."

In sophomore year, a friend and I signed up to be camp counselors for an outdoor school program. We needed to choose camp names and I was having trouble coming up with one. At lunch, my friends helped by giving me prompts: What's your favorite color? What's your favorite animal? Etc.

One question was "What's your favorite food?" to which I responded "soy sauce chicken" - and then I cracked a huge smile and said "I could be Soy Sauce!" Our whole table erupted into laughter and thus I was dubbed Soy Sauce during camp and afterward.

Gallows Humor: Making light of stressful or life-threatening situations. Generally made by victims, those affected.

Comedy can be a useful tool to shed light on patterns in an accessible way. But what punchlines gain in broader appeal and easy recitation, also lose in deeper analysis. I've tolerated and perpetuated this type of dark humor, but at what cost?

At the time, I thought I was empowering myself by reclaiming stereotypes and language. I made white friends nervously laugh, made them uncomfortable and a little more aware of racist framing (maybe). But what harm have I caused through the exaggerated accents, jokes about eating dog or being good at math, throwing around the term "chinky"?

It's inexcusable when folks punch down (e.g. calling COVID-19 "kung flu"). But even between Asians, is this still normalizing racism? What are the boundaries between gallows humor used as a coping mechanism and flat out internalized racism? How much have I done this to "empower" myself - by subconsciously aligning myself with whiteness?

I suspect it's been a lot. So I've been moving away from it.

Internalized racism insidiously aids and abets white supremacy. And perhaps the lines between racism and race-related gallows humor are too ambiguous, like that They Might Be Giant's lyric that you "Can't shake the devil's hand and say you're only kidding."