What if My Metamour Doesn’t Want to Meet Me?
METAMOUR (meta): your partner's partner
KITCHEN TABLE POLYAMORY (KTP): a relationship structure in which you not only have a connection with your partners, but also your metas. You'd be comfortable having dinner together around the same table, for example.
PARALLEL POLYAMORY: where relationships tend to be separate (run parallel), meaning metas do not have a relationship with one another.
Reminder: Non-monogamy is a vast spectrum and there is a spectrum within polyamory, as well.
KTP & Parallel Polyamory encompass just some of the ways to be non-monogamous - structures exist in between and outside of these, too.
In many polyam spaces, KTP is held up as an ideal relationship structure or philosophy. Some people love being able to have more than just a passing connection with their metas, where they can have a direct channel of communication and even become good friends outside of the relationship with the shared partner.
KTP is ideal for some, but not for all.
Having a preference for Parallel vs KTP is a-okay and vice versa.
Some people have a preference of at least meeting metas once. They don't have to become friends, but it can be a helpful indicator of transparency to know that your partner is being above board with their non-monogamy. This can also give you a glimpse into how your partner interacts with their partner(s).
Putting faces to names can also help you have an understanding of what your metas are like that isn't just based on secondhand accounts & your imagination.
Some people are okay with never meeting any metas.
Some people only want to get to know metas if the relationship is longer-term and more involved.
And some actively do not ever want to meet metamours. They're on board with and practice non-monogamy ethically, but are not looking for a polyam family.
These are all valid preferences.
Of course, there are more ethical and more unethical ways to go about these dynamics.
If a meta doesn't want to meet you because they're not interested in that kind of relationship, but they're supportive of their partner's relationships and don't interfere? Probably not a red flag.
If a meta doesn't want to get to know you because they are not fully on board with non-monogamy & are perhaps antagonistic? Probably a red flag.
If you want to meet a meta, but they don't want to meet you, you can't force them to do anything.
You communicate with your partner & decide if you have compatible relationship styles or not.
It's our responsibility to identify and communicate our boundaries and dealbreakers - and to be open to not everyone being compatible with them. Just because our boundaries aren't compatible does not always automatically mean their boundaries are toxic or unhealthy in general. This goes both ways. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what you're comfortable with and how much you want to invest.
