I’ve Been Polyam For Nearly A Decade - And I Still Experience Jealousy

"Let us remember that feeling jealousy (or any other emotion) is not a crime. Only actions can be a crime. Feelings are feelings, and they're there whether you acknowledge them or not. But when you shove the feelings back into the pot, they may try devious routes to bring themselves to your attention..."

-The Ethical Slut, "Roadmaps Through Jealousy," Janet W. Hardy & Dossie Easton

Jealousy can be inconvenient at times and can be debilitating if left unmanaged, but it's not insurmountable nor does it have to be inevitable.

A common excuse I hear from monogamous folks is "I couldn't do polyamory because I'm just too jealous."

And similarly, a lot of folks new to non-monogamy get discouraged when they experience the oft vilified green-eyed monster, a feeling that at best ruins your day and at worst ruins relationships (by way of murder). Or so the narrative goes.

In my first couple years of being actively non-monog, I would get down on myself whenever these feelings came up.

"Maybe I'm not cut out to be polyamorous. Maybe I really just am monogamous. I'm a toxic partner for feeling this way."

File this under the already overflowing "Lessons for my younger self" folder: you are not a bad person for experiencing jealousy. You are a human being with fears and insecurities.

And I don't know anyone without fears or insecurities.

Jealousy may have elements of both nature and nurture, which means it is both valid and re-programmable. For me, jealousy arises when my fears around abandonment and rejection are triggered.

I've had panic attacks, I've cried myself to sleep, I've taken long walks under the stars with my head quaking with anxiety and worst case scenarios. My fears and insecurities still peek out over the hedges and stir shit up and plant seeds of doubt every now and then, but they're more manageable these days as I've learned tools and cultivated more stability in my life.

When these feelings do peek out, I try to look at them with curiosity.

What does my jealousy stem from?

What do I feel like I'm lacking?

Am I actually lacking this?

What can I do to fill this need?

To ground myself, I try to remember the facts. I try to reinforce what I do have, the green flags, the healthy patterns that have been shown to be true time and time again. Slowly but surely, layer by thin layer, I'm repaving the neural pathways that had been carved out by years of emotional abuse. 

It's a rough ride and so far, it's been worth it 100% and none of it makes me any less non-monogamous.