Polyamorous & Anxious: It Can Be Done

Believe it or not, having anxiety does not automatically make you unfit for non-monogamy.

I hear this concern often from people just starting out, so here's my experience.

I have never been formally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, but I am socially anxious. I hated being called on in class. I will RSVP "yes" to an event, park outside the venue, and then decide to head home. If I arrive at a bar before my friends, I will wander around the block so as not to be the first one inside.

In non-monogamy, there can be more variables in play at a time, more people to keep track of and relationships to sustain.

These relationships often iterate faster and require more intentional introspection and self-work. It's harder to simply skate through these relationships for very long.

For some, these logistics can exacerbate their anxiety. However, not all anxiety is insurmountable in the face of non-monogamy. In fact, having more partners can be very useful and actually more ideal for people like me.

My anxiety primarily feeds off of uncertainty and fear of rejection. But at the same time, I thrive off of openness, freedom, and getting to intimately experience different people in a variety of contexts.

My love of alone time is heavily motivated by trying to avoid the "hum" of anxiety in my body in social settings. The way I've chosen to do polyamory works for me because I get a great deal of space away from partners and I don't have to rely on just one person to meet my needs.

It is not up to one partner to help provide me with comforting physical touch or words of affirmation when I am feeling low or insecure.

Conversely, partners do not have to solely rely on me to get their needs met. (Also, remember that your partners are your allies, not therapists.)

(See: "Polyamorous & Introverted" post)

It's important to note that a large part of getting my needs met and managing my anxiety in these relationships is contingent on having partners that aren't assholes - partners who are trustworthy, communicative of their needs, and are respectful of mine.

In my first relationship, I had panic attacks and felt pushed to my emotional limit all the time. However, I realized this was not because of non-monogamy. It was because my partner at the time was domineering and manipulative and was unwilling to do his own emotional work. I did not know how to have healthy boundaries and advocate for myself at the time.

Main Takeaway: Many folks grapple with anxiety in healthy non-monogamous relationships.

It's no walk in the park, but can be worthwhile to explore. But also, it's not for everyone and no one should beat themselves up for not being able to "hack it." It's not inherently any better or worse than monogamy. Sure, do your homework and give non-monogamy the good old college try, but if a monogamous partnership is better for your well-being, there's no shame in that!