Advice To My younger Non-Monogamous Self
Advice I'd give Baby Polyam Michelle:
Stepping out of your comfort zone is great, but never sacrifice your safety and self worth. No one is worth that. Not by a mile.
Your feelings may not always be correct, but they are always valid. Please, please listen to yourself. If you're afraid your partner is unwilling to hold space and almost always reacts negatively when you express your insecurities, ask why that is.
Feeling jealous does not mean you're a failure at polyamory.
Related: your partner feeling jealous is all right - unless he only ever blames you for his insecurities.
Just because a man is older doesn't mean he knows better or has his shit together more than you.
If a metamour ever unironically calls you "the other woman," don't just pretend to be ok and try to take it in stride. Your feelings of insecurity aren't just leftovers of toxic monogamy. Look into it.
You don't have to be friends with your metamours. And you certainly never should be included in a threesome without your explicit consent.
Beware of those who admire pickup artists.
Ask yourself why a man in his 30s regularly hits on teenagers.
You don't have to pretend you're so tough and mature, that you can easily handle a non-monogamous relationship with a much older man - your first relationship ever at the age of 18. You've got nothing to prove to anyone.
Your life doesn't have to revolve around a relationship. Beware of codependency, which you're especially prone to at this time in your life (grappling with college, family divisions, moving out for the first time, first relationship ever)
If you often feel anxious and miserable with a partner - directly because of the partner - it's a bad relationship and should be tossed. It will only continue to bring you pain.
No healthy partner would ever expect you to play mother, lover, and therapist all the time.
Anyone who takes pride in pushing your buttons and making you angry (because it supposedly proves you're always secretly angry) does not have your best interests at heart.
You're going to be okay.
Advice for Present Day Michelle:
You made many mistakes - and you're going to make many more - but never forget to have compassion for yourself. You did the best with the knowledge and resources you had available to you. And that was good enough. You're still learning and what you're doing now is good enough. Be proud of how far you've come. And be excited for how much further you'll go.
