You Don't Have to Be Fully Healed to Practice Polyamory
Repeat after me:
I don't have to fully have my shit together to practice ethical non-monogamy (and that's not an excuse to not do the work).
Am I too anxious? Too introverted? Too sexual? Not sexual enough? Too jealous? What even are my boundaries? Who am I? What am I looking for?
More often than not, practicing healthy non-monogamy requires a good deal of learning and unlearning and can seem both exciting and highly daunting if you're curious or just starting out.
A Grounding Reminder:
We literally have decades of mono-normative programming to sift through. Of course it's going to be tricky.
It can take much time and self-reflection to parse through the lessons and norms that actually do serve us versus the ones that are more arbitrary and hold us back from experiencing the level of freedom and connection we want.
Non-monogamy is not for everyone - I'll reiterate this endlessly. However, as someone with anxiety and an avoidant attachment style, who is an awkward wallflower at events, and still gets unreasonably nervous opening up to even my longest-term partners at times -I want you to know that you don't need to be fully healed, without flaws, or to conform to a specific ideal in order to explore non-monogamy in a healthy, ethical way.
This journey has had its pain points for me but it has also been incredibly healing and liberating.
What to Practice and Cultivate
SELF-REFLECTION
And self-compassion. It's important to check in with yourself. The more you know yourself, are aware of your desires and boundaries, the easier it gets.
CURIOSITY
You can't foresee and plan for every hiccup, so explore, stumble, and approach the newness with as much of an open mind as possible.
COMMUNICATION
Everyone has their own style and feels most comfortable in different environments and conditions, so it's crucial to find what works best for you to help understand others' boundaries and to get yours across.
One of the most rewarding aspects of exploring non-monogamy is realizing you don't have to play by the old established rules - that your relationships can be what you make them.
That is also the most difficult part: learning how to wield your autonomy to make these choices and pave new pathways.
Again, it's not for everyone. But for those unsatisfied with the conventional expectations and protocols around relationships, it can be well worth the journey.
