Sunk Cost Fallacy & the Relationship Escalator
Have you ever felt obligated to continue investing in an unsatisfying relationship because you've invested so much already?
This is the Sunk Cost Fallacy and the relationship escalator is partially powered by it. Because what else are we supposed to do? How else are we to mitigate even greater losses? How could we possibly deserve more?
Examples
I haven't worn any of these clothes, but I spent so much money on them. They're cluttering my closet, but if I hold onto them a bit longer, I'll eventually wear them.
I accidentally booked rooms for 2 different vacation spots on dates that conflict. Even though I'd much rather visit the location that happens to be cheaper, it feels like a waste if I don't go with the more expensive room.
I'm at this concert and the band makes my ears bleed, but I paid $100 for the ticket so I might as well stay.
Over the 5 years of my first relationship, I became deeply unhappy, fought viciously with my partner every week, and normalized panic attacks.
But we lived together and shared finances. I had spent much of my savings supporting him. We had been through a great deal of emotional ups & downs together. I gobbled up small crumbs of progress and downplayed the losses. Relationships are supposed to be hard work, right?
Relationships do require work and maintenance, so this isn't a suggestion to run at the 1st sign of struggle or strife.
However, are you seeing and dealing with red flags when they show up?
Is the relationship actually serving you or are you serving the idea of a relationship?
When it comes to decision-making, do not be distracted by the sunk costs - these are costs that can not be recovered.
The money has already been spent. There is no time machine. You've already ridden a ways up the escalator: courted, moved in, started a joint bank account, got a cat together...
These costs do not dictate your future.
Eventually, I was able to see that I was on that escalator and that the relationship wasn't going to get better no matter how much I invested in it. Looking behind me, I saw the steps riddled with red flags.
I couldn't change the fact that I had missed or ignored them, but I could choose to step off the ride and embark on a different path.
See also: my posts on Green Flags and Zero-Sum Thinking
A note on the relationship escalator: there's nothing wrong with choosing to date and then move in and get a joint bank account and have kids etc. That's a fine path to choose. However, it's more or less the default expectation and when anyone deviates from that, it's seen as weird. And it shouldn't be seen as weird. Intentionality is the key.
