Loving and Being Loved as an Avoidant

Loving and being loved as an avoidant: on my responsibilities and boundaries (not exhaustive, of course)

Being honest about my capacities from the get-go.

I do not overpromise romance.

I'm clear about my relationship cadence. I tend to be most compatible with those who enjoy seeing one other 1-4 times a month, on average, and who do not expect to chat daily.

It's my responsibility to notice when I'm withdrawing or when my demand avoidance* is triggered - and to actively resist the urge to pull away completely.

And to offer at least some reassurance when asked for.

(*some of these traits are more associated with neurodivergence rather than specific attachment styles. I am no expert and am only identifying overlaps in these behaviors for myself.)

I must communicate when I need to take space and when I will be coming back.

Sometimes it's just 20 minutes, sometimes it's by end-of-day tomorrow - either way, it's important to get on the same page so that my partner is not stuck in anxiety limbo hell wondering if I'm ever going to reach back out.

And these damn people-pleasing behaviors I sometimes use to avoid conflict...

I will continue working on more confidently saying "no" so that I can say "yes" more enthusiastically - and so my partners can also trust my “yes” more and more.

I am still not the best at initiating important or difficult conversations...

But when concerns are brought up to me, I will not shy away from them. In fact, it's very much a relief to have those conversations, so that there isn't the expectation to read minds.

If I do not have the energy, I will try to be clear about that, do my best to stay present, and offer up a different time to go over things more thoroughly later.

It is not impossible to sustainably love or be loved as someone on the more avoidant side of the Attachment Theory spectrum.

The villainizing of any attachment style shows a severe lack of understanding of the framework (which is really just a tool with limited applications and not at all some universal truth).

I experience more secure attachment than I did 10 or even five years ago (it’s a shocking feeling).

Access to therapy, finding people willing to meet me where I’m at, being fortunate enough to have stable housing/work/nourishment - these factors and more have contributed to me getting closer to relating more in the ways I want. Thriving vs. surviving.

Perfection is not a pre-requisite for healthy relationships. No one is compatible with everyone.

Our best is not always enough, but we owe it to ourselves and our communities to try, try again.