Repeat After Me: It’s Okay if Loving Me is Work
Why wouldn't loving you be work?
Why should loving you be easy?
A few thoughts on being "high maintenance," a "burden," being "hard to love," etc:
"High maintenance" is used against people who are perceived as requiring more help or resources from others and are thus judged as burdensome and lacking in independence
Everyone requires maintenance and support to not just survive, but to thrive
Not everyone can meet your needs but that doesn't mean your needs aren't important - and that doesn't automatically mean those people are inadequate
A person who sincerely tries but is unable to meet your needs isn't automatically bad - it should be viewed more from a framework of compatibility.
Does my capacity match your needs?
Do my needs align with your capacity?
(Note: it is a different story when a person judges you for your real needs, however)
I often worry about being too much.
Rationally, I understand that that's silly because I'm quite independent & work hard to be accountable for my own well-being and generally try to have my ducks in a row.
However, this erring toward hyper-independence has caused me to judge myself whenever I do need help. It has hindered my ability to even remember that asking for help is even an option. And in turn, it has caused me to judge others when I perceive this "weakness" or "flaw" in them.
Being non-monogamous and examining the way I relate has helped me realize that of course it feels harder to support and connect with people when the responsibility rests on the shoulders of the individual.
When we're missing the robust care of community and wider structural support. When we're told that our worth allegedly increases the less support we need. When "starving but not asking for help" becomes morally superior to "being full on the backs of others."
So if loving me is work, then so be it.
Let it be community work.
I'm worth it to the people who are compatible with me, who matter to me. I'm not worth it to those who aren't (and who don't) - and there's really nothing wrong with that.
Loving and supporting others is work. And it is often the most important, most fundamental work of all.
