Polyam & Anxious: A Couple of Strategies for Communicating
(when I'm feeling emotionally activated)
Having discussions around needs, boundaries, and sensitive topics gives me a tightness in my chest, quickens my heart rate, and makes me fidgety.
Even 10 years into non-monogamy (and almost 30 years in the human experience), I can still find it difficult to confidently express my boundaries and to bring up concerns in a timely manner.
These aren't the ways I communicate all the time, but these help when I'm feeling especially anxious / activated.
Important lesson from my previous therapist:
"Where do you feel the emotion in your body?"
Being more in touch with my body helps me identify and manage my emotions a bit more easily. It also helps me actually feel my emotions rather than purely intellectualize them.
(Note: This was advice from my therapist to me. It will not be applicable to everyone.)
STRATEGY #1: THAT TEXTUAL HEALING
During in-person conversations, the "social watcher" in my brain is on, being hypervigilant about the other and about myself. "What are they feeling? Am I holding my face correctly? Is my tone okay?"
This makes it harder for me to focus on the actual conversation, especially if I'm upset or my anxiety is higher than usual. I sometimes find it easier to type out my thoughts so that I have more time to think and edit. And I have more time to process their words.
INTRO TEXT TEMPLATES:
"Are you in a place to hear about something that's been bothering me?"
"Can I share something that's been on my mind? ❤️"
"Hey love. Can I ask you what you meant? I've been finding myself creating a story & I'd love to talk about it when you're in a good spot."
STRATEGY #2: TOUCH-A-TOUCH-A-TOUCH-A-TOUCH ME
Physical touch is huge for me. Both of us on a couch, me lying down with my head on my partner's lap. Request that they stroke my hair or if I can fidget with their hands. Sometimes, while I'm talking, I'll close my eyes and put my hands over my face to help me focus.
Also can be nice to have convos in bed or lying down together someplace comfy. Head on chest (which again helps alleviate the hypervigilance). Limbs in various states of entanglement. Dim the lights or turn them off completely.
GOOD GENERAL TAKEAWAY #1:
Sensitive discussions are difficult enough. They don't always have to be austere and overly uncomfortable. Try out different strategies to help ease the stress and the tension in your body. Try requesting reassurances based off your love languages. Try experimenting with time. Step away and then come back. Try something you think might even be kind of silly, but which might help ground you. (For example, sitting or lying on the floor during these conversations can figuratively and literally ground me).
GOOD GENERAL TAKEAWAY #2:
Work together! It takes time and intentional effort to find more sustainable and successful ways to have emotionally charged discussions. But ideally, you remain on the same team. For me, any partner worth their weight in salt who is compatible and wants to do the work with me will do their best to be accommodating - and I will do my best to accommodate back.
