A Polyamorous Breakup: Addressing a Few FAQs via My Experience
What does it look like when non-monogamous folks break up?
If multiple people are involved, how is the structure divided up? Is it harder or easier than monogamous breakups? How can you tell if non-monogamy is still for you?
I'm no polyam breakup expert as I have had one direct experience with it so far. I started my first relationship in 2012, when I was 18. It ended in 2017. Here's how it went down.
5 years? Why not break up sooner?
The first couple years were primarily long distance.
I became too familiar with - perhaps even addicted to - the intensity, even if it was mostly negative.
We cohabited and combined finances. As a full-time student working part-time, I was overwhelmed by the fear that I would not be able to sustain my education and living situation if we split up.
I was too proud to admit that "I had failed" my first attempt at the relationship thing.
I was naïve, thought having boundaries was wrong, and actively ignored or did not recognize many red flags.
When times were good, they were good and the hope flooded my senses and blinded me to the reality - because when things were bad, they were terrible.
It was no coincidence that I gained the confidence to end it after I finally finished college, settled into my first full-time job, and had established other meaningful sexual / romantic / platonic relationships.
What about metamours or shared friends?
My ex did not have any partners that I had a direct connection with at the time. We had often hung out with two of my other partners [the now married couple]. I let them decide amongst themselves what they wanted to do with their connection.
[In the few months after the break-up, I kept myself open to possible friendship, so I felt okay (at the time) if my partners still wanted to be friends with my ex.]
Doesn't more people make it more complicated?
Having other romantic / sexual relationships helped provide relief from the ongoing relationship with my ex - a form of escapism that I wasn't always conscious of engaging in. But eventually, having these models of healthier relationships in my life also helped me face and realize just how much was wrong. Also, if there had been more criss-crossing in our polycule (as is often the case in non-monogamous circles) yes, it would have been trickier to navigate and negotiate.
Was it harder or easier than a monogamous breakup?
It was my first breakup of any kind, so my sample size is limited. However, while I did epic battle with depression and with processing and reflecting on the whole relationship, I know with absolute certainty it would have been much more harrowing without my partners and support system in general. I still had people I trusted to catch and hold me and to remind me that I was worthy of healthy, sustainable love. The transition into different routines and modes of being was rough, but I knew I was not alone.
Doesn't it prove that non-monogamous relationships don't work?
Well, Mr. Strawman, this kind of stigmatizing further pressures people into feeling like they have to be absolutely perfect ambassadors because any "slip-up" is fodder for mononormative confirmation bias. This can lead folks to stick it out in bad relationships, even when they realize it doesn't actually serve them. Monogamous breakups (and all the thriving industries that revolve around how difficult monog relationships are) don't prove that monogamy as a whole doesn't work.
Further reading:
Breakups in Polyamory | Ready for Polyamory
This Is What A Polyamorous Breakup Really Looks Like | Huffington Post
The Polyamory Breakup Book by Kathry Labriola | Thorntree Press
