Being Polyamorous Doesn’t Mean I Have A Fear of Commitment (Well, Not Entirely Anyway)

One common attack non-monogamous people get is: "You're only 'poly' because you're afraid of commitment."

This is largely untrue because more often than not, their definition of commitment requires exclusivity, when this is not necessary.

But for some folks, like me, there is an element of truth in it.

Much of my avoidant tendencies come from coping mechanisms and strategies I've developed since childhood to protect myself from bad actors. It keeps people at arms length in an effort to maintain my safety. What the inner child lacks in dexterity and finesse it makes up for in vigilance and trigger happiness.

These protective behaviors work in an imprecise shotgun blast sort of way and I can honor those parts of myself, while also working to develop better strategies.

I'm sharing this because I think in trying to prove the haters wrong, a lot of non-monog folks feel we have to be held to higher standards because if we slip up, it's smoking gun proof that non-monogamy doesn't work or that we truly are just a bunch of unethical sluts at the end of the day.

It doesn't feel great knowing a flaw or "slip-up" is a detractor's "aha, see, I told you."

Being non-monogamous does not require being a saint. Practicing it doesn't require that we must become fully healed individuals first. I am both deeply committed to my partners - and still so very much afraid of it all. I fear the other shoe may drop. I fear I may be hurt and abandoned. I fear all my doubts about my self-worth will be proven true.

And yet, I push through because I've experienced such incredible amounts of growth and empowerment and contentment that I know I have helped cultivate for myself directly from my life choices. To hell with the detractors. They're going to think what they're going to think. We do not live for them.

So yeah, I have a fear of commitment. And I thrive under polyamory. Suck it.