Rad Pride: Beyond Compulsory Monogamy

Jun 30

On the intersections of leftist politics and non-monogamy. Expanding the idea of what relationships can be.

What this workshop is not:

bashing monogamy
an argument about human nature (if it exists, it is natural)
poly-orgiastic evangelism
polyamory 101 (I’ll cover some basic terms and overviews)

Abolition - The Personal is Political

"Changing everything might sound daunting, but it also means there are many places to start, infinite opportunities to collaborate, and endless imaginative interventions and experiments to create.
Let's begin our abolitionist journey not with the question 'What do we have now, and how can we make it better?' Instead, let's ask, 'What can we imagine for ourselves and the world?'"
-Mariame Kaba, We Do This 'Til We Free Us

Abolition is about addressing harm and creating accountability without incarceration. It is a positive, productive movement that isn't only about dismantling carceral systems, but also about building community. "Get to know your neighbor"

Relationships are Political - "Monogamy? In this economy??"

Politics: the distribution of power and resources - who gets access to what and who gets to decide?

Relationships do not exist in a vacuum, even if they are not explicitly political. “The personal is political” was a slogan of 1960s/70s era feminism, challenging the nuclear family and traditional family values. Personal experiences and systems of oppression are inextricably linked.

A few systems that impact relationships:

white supremacy
capitalism
classism
patriarchy
colonialism

While monogamy exists across cultures and historical record, the modern conception and standardization of monogamy is largely influenced by western ideals and Orientalism (objectifying and othering Asia and the Middle East, creating a hierarchy of the “civilized” above “savages” characterized as being closer to lower animals).

Common non-monogamy misconceptions:

lack commitment, only about sex
unsustainable, they never work
mostly unicorn hunters
it's just monogamy with extra steps
irresponsible, no attachments, no accountability

The Non-Monogamy Umbrella

"Non-monogamy" is a broad term that refers to a wide variety of relationship structures. It generally encompasses any structure where people are or have the desire or capacity to be sexually and/or romantically involved with more than one person at a time.

Examples of a few types of non-monogamy:

polyamory
swinging
polygamy
solo polyamory
polyfidelity
open relationship
relationship anarchy
cheating in monogamy (unethical as hell, but yes, still non-monogamy)

What is Compulsory Monogamy?

Compulsory Monogamy: The assumption and expectation that monogamy not only is but should be the default relationship structure.

As a result, looking for and finding "The One" is largely seen as more sustainable, more natural, more morally correct.

Heteronormativity

"Rather than being natural or innate, heterosexuality is naturalized by making alternatives to it invisible"
-Adrienne Rich, "Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Experience"
(Undoing Monogamy by Angela Willey)

Amatonormativity + Mononormativity (+ Heteronormativity, oh my!)

"This consists in the assumptions that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types. "
-Elizabeth Brake, Minimizing Marriage

Basically: an exclusive, romantic relationship between a man and a woman (especially if they're white and cishet) is and should be relationship goals for everyone. And there should be incentives and privileges that go along with that. Hierarchy is good.

Examples of Compulsory Monogamy:

Legal marriage/domestic partnership
Marriage tax breaks
Nuclear family
Almost all relationships in movies, TV shows, music, books, etc

The Relationship Escalator

"The default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal."
-Amy Gahran, Off the Relationship Escalator

Date, move in, get engaged, get married, buy a house, have two kids, etc.

The higher up the escalator, the higher the assumed value and seriousness of the relationship.

Internalized Capitalism

hyperindividualism
ownership - possession as a virtue, a signal of success
scarcity (perceived and real)
zero-sum games (in order for me to win, you must lose)
consumerism, commodification of dating/relationships/prospects

Relationship Anarchy

"Relationship anarchy questions the idea that love is a limited resource that can only be real if restricted to a couple. You have capacity to love more than one person, and one relationship and the love felt for that person does not diminish love felt for another.
Don’t rank and compare people and relationships — cherish the individual and your connection to them. One person in your life does not need to be named primary for the relationship to be real. Each relationship is independent, and a relationship between autonomous individuals."
-Andie Nordgren, "The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy"