Solo Polyamory: “How Did You Figure Out It Was Right For You?”

SOLO POLYAMORY: A style of non-monogamy in which a person is open to having multiple simultaneous intimate relationships while de-prioritizing coupledom. This can often (but not always) mean intentionally not living with or sharing finances with partners.

Some solo polyams describe themselves as being their own "primary."

While not necessarily the same as Relationship Anarchy, this style of relating is often combined with RA tenets (e.g. focusing on autonomy, moving away from hierarchy, deconstructing and collaboratively reconstructing what a relationship looks like, etc.)

This is my story...

To start, this account reflects my personal experience and is meant to show just one way someone has navigated polyamory.

Being solo polyamorous does not automatically equate to being "afraid of commitment." Solo polyams are not just irresponsible rakes and Casanovas who are uninterested in more "serious" relationships and connections.

However, the beginnings of my solo polyam journey were motivated by avoidance and fear.

Solo polyamory wasn't ever something I specifically sought out. I stumbled into this style as I was breaking up with my first partner. (I can't remember when or where I first came across the term.)

We were together for 5 years and cohabited and shared finances for the last 2 or 3. By the end of it, I loathed the idea of living with any partner.

I felt an intense drive to move far away from the bad boundary habits and codependent patterns I had developed over the years with him.

As a result of that relationship, I retreated deeper into my avoidant tendencies.

For a time, the foundations of my wants and needs were heavily molded from the protective mechanism of running away. I wanted to avoid falling into any relationship like that ever again, but that also meant becoming even more reticent and more fearful of vulnerability.

Being solo polyam isn't the same as being single - I still had my other partners. But there was a time where I felt like I was in a non-monogamy version of a post-relationship "single phase" in which I stepped way back to focus on myself and try to re-evaluate what the hell I even wanted.

These days, my relating style is more about running towards, not running away. Investing in self-care and communal care in tandem.

Even if I didn't have to work through trauma, I'd still naturally need and enjoy a good deal of time and space to myself. I work to cultivate and uphold these boundaries in order to better show up for my loved ones, to nurture deeper vulnerability and connection.

And of course it's still a continual work in progress. That urge to run away screaming still rears its ugly head. The inner child still tries to cry and soothe alone.

Is Solo Polyamory still right for me?

Who knows what relationship styles and structures will appeal to me in 5 or 10 or 20 years? Will I want to live with partners? Have a joint bank account again? That's for Future Me to discover.

What I do know is that Present Me has never felt closer to fulfillment in my relationships, so I'm doing something right for myself and those close to me.

There is no one right way to have a non-monogamy journey. We don't have to be perfect polyamory ambassadors all the time.

There's still more vulnerability to dust off. Boundaries to be negotiated and tweaked. More systematically imposed relationship bullshit to learn about and deconstruct.