Rethinking "Progress" and the Relationship Escalator
RELATIONSHIP ESCALATOR:
"The default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal."
- Amy Gahran, "Off the Relationship Escalator"
Date, move in, get married, have kids, buy a house...
The higher up the escalator, the higher the assumed value and seriousness of the relationship.
To help me reframe the way I perceive how relationships should unfold, I try to practice this thought exercise:
Get rid of the idea of "progress" completely.
Instead, focus on my partners (and friends, relatives, co-workers, etc.) as they are - not as I wish them to be.
To Inject Some Nuance:
Not to be taken too literally, this is an exercise for suspending current goals and ideas of progress to help view and analyze them in a different light. Of course growth and change can be meaningful and beneficial - when done with intention and appropriate perspective.
What I Don’t Mean:
Halt my self-growth
Block or hinder the growth of others
Be complacent in unsatisfying relationships
Ignore the red flags
De-prioritize setting and communicating boundaries
Don't have any goals at all
While I do have desires and standards, I don't tend to be especially attached to certain outcomes. I evaluate each person, see if they have compatible desires/standards, and then determine what ways they can fit into my life - and how I can fit into theirs.
Each dynamic is unique and should be treated as such.
The escalator suits many people - but not all.
Wanting to have kids or get married are not wrong - nor are they automatically a superior way to "advance" through life. Everyone, whether monogamous or non-monogamous, can benefit from examining where certain drives and expectations come from when we approach relationships.
Guiding Questions for Rethinking “Progress”
What are my needs? Specifically, what do I need to feel safe? (Emotional, physical, resources)
Where do my expectations come from? External or internal? Society or my own wants/needs?
Am I pursuing status (how I'm perceived by others) or inner satisfaction (what makes me happy)?
