submission & the “model minority”

Exotic. Obedient. Weak. Non-threatening. Submissive.

Today, I'm examining my relationship between my asian identity and my kink identity.

As a child of Chinese and Taiwanese immigrants, a lot of pressure was placed on me to succeed and assimilate - align myself with and be palatable to whiteness. Be the model minority! Good at school, good at doing what I'm told. All around, a good girl.

However, I began to realize I don't perform the "good asian girl" because I'm thriving. I do it to survive, to get by at home and in public. I do it to navigate quietly around confrontation, avoiding poking the bears in my life, the more aggressively assertive personalities. Don't cause a fuss. Your worth is tied up in their approval.

Without being conscious of this, I aspired to be something akin to the Madame Butterfly type. The obedient, subservient, helpless martyr. It felt comfortable because, as a stereotype, it was already carved out for me. Just bend myself to fit in and eek by on being non-threatening and acceptable. Tolerating - and even encouraging - fetishization. Being the object of yellow fever is flattering, right?

When I started doing kink, I continued to play this fortune cookie cutter role. I'm a sub because, well, duh. What else would I be? I get tied down and wear collars and follow orders with a "yes, sir" and get approval from authority figures. I'm a good girl.

And it was fun. It still is fun. (Thanks in large part to loving guidance, mutual exploration, and patience from a great partner). That was about 4 years ago. I've been learning how crushing conforming to those asinine stereotypes has been. These tactics helped me survive. But how do I thrive?

Taking up space and reinforcing my validity is a daily project. Confront the childhood fears. Strip away the "comfortable" stereotypes. Practice listening to my body and get better at learning what I want and don't want. Communicate these desires. It's a lifetime project - holy shit is there A LOT left to unpack.

I am a sub. I am Asian. I don't submit out of fear or perverse expectation. I submit because I allow myself to submit. I don't submit for others. I submit for myself.