Unicorn Hunting & “Couple Privilege”
There's nothing inherently wrong with unicorn hunting, but dating as a couple can come with certain advantages and harmful patterns can emerge.
Definitions
Unicorn: a bisexual/pansexual person willing to date and/or have sex with both people in a couple
Unicorn Hunters: a couple looking for said unicorn
Couple Privilege: see below - this needs dissecting
Couple Privilege
Enter almost any polyamory community online or in real life and soon enough you'll encounter the couples dubbed as "unicorn hunters" and the people who vehemently decry them and claim that "couple privilege" is running amok.
Monogamy is still king and married cishet couples are still predominantly the standard by which mainstream society judges romantic and sexual relationships.
Privilege refers to advantages that exist systemically for a specific group regardless of merit.
Even in non-monogamy, couples (especially if they are married and cohabitating) are often as seen as more legitimate than the more "free agent" types. They may still get judgment for being non-monogamous, but advantages can include legal protections, shared resources, and the ability to be more publicly out as a "couple unit."
However, these privileges do not apply as much to same sex couples or if one or both parties are gender non-conforming, for example. Add being BIPOC or disabled or poor and the couple privilege all but crumbles.
Couple Privilege VS Hierarchical Polyamory
Hierarchy: ranking of relationships, usually prioritizing the couple as "primaries" with anyone else who enters the relationship as "secondary," "tertiary," etc.
Hierarchy is also not inherently bad. It can be used to set healthy boundaries if it is explicitly stated and agreed upon by all involved parties. However, it is often leveraged in unethical ways, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.
Examples
Mary and Joseph have newly opened up and say they are looking for a woman to add to their relationship. They meet Maggie and go on dates and spend time with one another. Mary becomes jealous and tells Joseph. They both agree to close their relationship again - without talking to Maggie. They then tell Maggie that they do not want to see her anymore.
Mary and Joseph are non-monogamous and they sometimes date together, sometimes date separately. Mary meets Maggie and they hit it off. Joseph becomes jealous and tells Mary that he vetoes Maggie. They argue, but Mary relents and breaks up with Maggie.
Unethical Hierarchy
Agreements can only be ethical if all affected parties are aware of and agree to them.
If Maggie is not told about Mary and Joseph's hierarchical agreement and if she is not aware of their veto rule, then Mary and Joseph have leveraged couple privilege (in the assumption that their dyad is more important) in an unethical way. They may or may not have intended this, but the result is the same. Maggie has been disrespected and discarded.
If Mary and Joseph clearly communicate this and Maggie agrees to this arrangement, then it is more ethical. This is still not a free pass for the couple to cross boundaries and be disrespectful in other ways.
Couple privilege is distinct from enforced hierarchy - which is also distinct from being an asshole. Mary and Joseph have the right to prioritize their relationship. Maggie has the right to agree to be a part of this arrangement or not.
Main Takeaways
Unicorn hunters (especially if they're cishet) should be aware that there have been enough irresponsible couples that have traumatized unicorns. When a "triad" goes wrong, it is too often the "secondary" that gets the short end of the stick.
"Not all unicorn hunters" - but enough of them that single/solo polyam types have every right to be wary and to question a couple's motivations and levels of self-accountability.
Couples must examine the assumptions and biases that they carry into dating as a couple. They must be willing to be realistic and explicit about their structure and practice fully informed consent.
