A Few Thoughts on Scarcity and Desirability Politics
Have you ever felt the impulse to undervalue someone in order apply value to someone else? How much do biases and desirability politics influence which relationships you value more or less?
Desirability politics revolves around intersections of identities that are deemed not only sexually/romantically/socially desirable or attractive - but more importantly, deemed worthy of resources and structural power and influence. Some identities are seen and upheld as more valuable than others.
While not all relationships are explicitly political statements, no relationship exists in a vacuum.
Whenever anyone discusses scarcity mentality, it's always important to note that scarcity does exist outside our minds-
That late-stage capitalism requires and maintains many people not having enough so that some can have too much.
This is real. This cannot be merely wished away through positive affirmations, social media self-help, and therapy.
However, these external realities can often be internalized in ways that do not reflect realities within our relationships as we're sold the narrative that scarcity is a must - and is even romanticized.
In non-monogamy, hierarchy is not inherently unsustainable or unethical.
On the other hand, "Sneakiarchy," where an individual or couple say they are non-hierarchical but end up implementing hierarchy (intentionally deceiving or through ignorance), is less sustainable and less ethical.
Preferences exist - but like relationships, they do not exist in a vacuum.
Be willing to interrogate why you like what you like - and why you don't like what you don't like.
Where do my preferences stem from? Do my assumptions match up with reality?
Where are these reflected in society and systematically reinforced?
Does someone have value to you only if someone else is valued as lesser than?
If so, who do you tend to value as "lesser than" in favor of elevating the status of someone else?
Absolute equality among relationships is not realistic nor does it have to be a goal.
We all feel differently about everyone in our lives. Everyone brings out something a little different in us. Some aspects of some relationships can take logistical priority (sharing bills, pets, kids, a home, etc.)
That does not mean we have to default to enforcing strict hierarchies of value and importance among the people around us (whether intentionally or through ignorance and "color blindness"). And it does not mean we are off the hook from trying to engage in relationships in equitable, mutually agreed upon ways.
Additional resources:
Ep. 366 Desirability - Multiamory Podcast
Love’s Not Color Blind by Kevin Patterson
3 Reasons Dating, Attraction, and Desire Are Always Political - Everyday Feminism
