High Standards, Low Expectations
A dating framework and philosophy I’ve found helpful over the years (though the “high standards” part is still a work-in-progress).
For starters: I'm not saying everyone should approach dating this way, but I believe a lot of people could benefit from this general philosophy/framework. Take what's relevant and leave whatever isn't!
I'm a solo polyamorist with relationship anarchy leanings who isn't interested in marriage - unless perhaps it's a friend with (excellent insurance) benefits - and doesn't want kids of my own and isn't especially drawn to living with partners. In realizing this over the years, I've felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders when it comes to dating and relationships.
Here's where HIGH STANDARDS, LOW EXPECTATIONS comes in.
I've found myself discarding specific, long-term dating objectives, focusing more on compatibility in personality and politics/values, as well as logistics (availability, distance, roommates, etc).
[See: Rethinking “Progress” and the Relationship Escalator posts, Part 1 and Part 2]
I focus on the present connection rather than leaning on the potential - still keeping an eye out for the future, of course, sensing which way the wind blows, and occasionally checking in.
Beyond establishing levels of trust and communication, I don't think of my relationships in terms of goals or objectives almost at all anymore.
It's not wrong or foolish to have goals by any means. If someone does want children or wants to own a house with others, these can be highly important to bring up when looking for compatible partners. Goals can be very stabilizing if you know what you want and if you know certain structures are good for you.
However, is a person who doesn't want children or doesn't want to cohabitate automatically ousted from the running completely?
What if connection is there (and capacity is there for the both of you)?
Are there other ways to connect that aren't so all-or-nothing?
Sexual, platonic, casual, romantic, intimate, short-term, long-term - the possible structures and dynamics are vast. In practicing non-monogamy the past decade, I've found that not all potential partners have to be compatible in all ways - just in enough ways.
Examples:
What are their politics like?
What's the flavor of their sense of humor?
They can be monogamous or non-monogamous, but are they a-okay with me being a verified slut?
How and how well do they communicate?
Do they like cats? (I have several partners who are allergic but you won't catch them talking shit about my cats)
All this being said, I'm not going to claim that I'm fantastic at the high standards part yet - and my avoidance maybe makes me a little too adept at the low expectations part, for better and worse.
But it has been a super helpful framework for my anxious self as I continue to do inner work and become more discerning and get better at having healthier boundaries.
Dating, for me, is about fun and pleasure, seeing what people bring out in me and what I can bring out in them. And fun and pleasure aren't only merely casual or shallow - they can also very much be about finding deeply intimate forms of emotional enmeshment and support.
Perhaps our connection only lasts an evening. Perhaps its lifetime travels across a few delightful months. Maybe even years. Perhaps we see one another once every few months. Once a week.
Perhaps we only ever get together at new restaurants we both want to try. Or I feel comfortable lying on their living room floor and am on a first name basis with their dog. Or maybe I only ever see their bedroom.
Trial and error. Explore and figure out your standards. Give them room to breathe and evolve. Highlight the dealbreakers. Focus on forming mutually healthy habits with your partners, pals, and friends.
Whatever works works!
