Equal vs. Equitable in the context of non-monogamy

Equal: everyone gets the same treatment.

Equitable: everyone gets what they need (which likely isn't the same).

As written in "The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy” by Andie Nordgren:

"Love is abundant and every relationship is unique"

Note: you do not need to be a relationship anarchist to practice having more equitable relationships

Moving away from hierarchical forms of relationship does not mean dismissing or getting rid of differences in desire/capacity/needs.

If anything, creating equitable relationships requires a more conscious effort to identify and express your individual needs and boundaries — and to likewise be receptive with those you're in relationship with.

Cultivating equitability can allow for greater flexibility and negotiation, while fostering and respecting the autonomy of all parties involved. 

In addition, embracing our autonomy requires us to take greater responsibility for advocating for our own needs (which can also look like asking for help in advocating for our own needs. Autonomy is not bootstrapped "rugged individualism").

Shooting for equality across your non-monogamous dynamics, on the other hand, tends to be less sustainable.

While of course there will be overlap, not everyone needs or even wants the same things (e.g. I have no desire to live with partners, to have kids, get married, or go hiking)

To try to apply a "one size fits all" tactic without curiosity for these differences can quickly lead to dissatisfaction.

A framework of compatibility:

Remember: not everyone can meet your needs but that doesn't mean your needs aren't important — and that doesn't automatically mean those people are inadequate or bad, either, especially if they are earnestly trying.

Identify and express your desires, your hard boundaries (dealbreakers), and your soft boundaries (negotiables).

Be curious.

Does my capacity match your needs?
Do my needs align with your capacity?

If not, can we explore the vast variety of other ways we can get our needs met separately and together?

Equal vs. Equitability: Summation

You will want things that some of your partners don't want or can't give you.

Your partners will want some things that you don't want or you can't give them.

And that’s all right.

Non-monogamous relationships do not have to behave equally in order to be equally valid & important.

Equal consideration does not have to mean equal outcome. As long as all parties are autonomous & fully consenting, a difference in outcome does not necessarily indicate a hierarchy.

An addendum about feelings of unfairness:

There can be a grief in realizing that your partner will experience things with others that they might not experience with you, even when they’re fully acting within the agreements of the relationship (not cheating).

An excitement over a shared hobby. A novel sexual experience or a kink scene. An emotional breakthrough.

You’re not a bad partner for feeling either jealousy or envy.

Introspect toward the root: does it come from a scarcity mindset or from a real lack in an area of your life? How much does this stem from compulsory monogamy?

(Note: While I felt it was important to touch on, I can’t fully fit this topic into this post, so I’m going to have to dive into it in a subsequent post.)

As with most of my content, these frameworks can be applied to not only non-monogamy / polyamory, but to monogamous relationships, as well.