Sex With Benefits
"Friends with benefits" is out.
Sex with benefits* is in.
*the main benefit IS friendship!
GLOSSARY QUICKIE
Mononormativity: the assumption that monogamy is and should be the standard for all romantic/sexual relationships
Amatonormativity: the assumption that romantic (exclusive) relationships are and should be the goal for everyone
Relationship Escalator: The steps a couple is expected to progress through (date, get engaged, get married, have kids, etc.). The higher up on the escalator, the more mature or valid the relationship is perceived as.
FWBS & SITUATIONSHIPS
The “friends with benefits” euphemism always puts a bad taste in my mouth because it hardly ever emphasizes actual friendship and connection. “Situationship” seems to be the modern term for it.
FWBs/situationships are generally characterized as casual or informal, not official, more surface level. These relationships are not necessarily consistent, but they are ongoing. Interestingly, it is an acceptable form of non-monogamy within the mono-paradigm.
Within mononormativity, they exist in a limbo state or holding pattern at the bottom of the relationship escalator - but not quite on the escalator.
CASUAL, NOT CALLOUS
This post is not at all an argument against casual sex and relationships. No relationship needs to exist on the escalator to be valid, healthy, or sustainable (and they certainly don’t need to be exclusive).
However! Even casual relationships deserve mutual compassion and respect. Good communication and boundaries benefit all parties involved.
You can even *gasp* catch feelings!
Imagine allowing yourself to actively like the people you hang out with!
WHAT IS ROMANCE?
“Catching feelings” usually means developing a romantic attachment, desiring to hop onto the escalator with someone. Close down shop and become exclusive.
The issue isn’t so much in the feelings themselves. The issue often arises with the assumed expectations that come with the feelings and the fear the other person won’t reciprocate.
What if we separate romance from any required set of actions or expectations?
Is the definition and expression of “romance” just one thing? One size fits all?
ROMANTIC VS PLATONIC VS...
The different kinds of love are often portrayed as being fairly distinct from one another. And there tends to be a hierarchy of love, particularly in examples of toxic monogamy, where the needs of the romantic dyad are often put above the needs of all other relationships. People are sometimes expected to just live with their friendships being de-prioritized. (See: Couple Privilege)
As the years go by, the lines between types of love get blurrier for me personally. Being invested in someone’s well-being, feeling enriched by spending time with them, sharing dreams, holding and being held, inspiring each other, expressing vulnerabilities... Which type of love do these behaviors neatly fall under? Should these exist in a hierarchy?
CATCH ALL THE FEELINGS!
Even as someone more demiromantic, I love love.
Historically, I’ve been frustratingly slow at receiving and expressing love, but I sincerely feel it’s one of the most worthwhile practices in a life where we can choose what values are important to us. The human animal is incredibly social after all.
You are allowed to love your “situationship.” You are allowed to cherish them. You are allowed to be loved back. You are not weak for wanting to love.
Relationships are more à la carte than we have been led to believe is possible or acceptable.
INTENTIONALITY IS KEY
This is why I believe everyone, monogamous or non-monogamous, can benefit from examining and deconstructing relationship norms. Learning about the relationship escalator or relationship anarchy (even if you don’t ultimately subscribe to it) can deepen and expand how you relate to others.
Be intentional and set standards for intentionality. It matters less what structure or style you choose - what matters is that you actively choose it.
Filter for people who are down to be intimate and actually hang out. Have good sex, watch bad movies, send niche memes. Actually be friends with the people you choose to have sex with - you don’t have to, but it’s allowed (and it can be so beautifully rewarding!)
