Transitioning from Monogamy to Polyamory: Get Ready to Get Your Shit Rocked
A few non-exhaustive pointers for “opening up”
THE BASICS:
Do your homework! Podcasts, books, social media accounts, workbooks, therapy, meetups, etc. By yourself, with a partner, find a study buddy.
Interrogate why you're exploring non-monogamy. More sex? More birthday gifts? Splitting rent in late-stage capitalism? Choice vs relationship orientation? Trying to fix your relationship? Divesting from toxic monogamy? Access to the wonderful wide world of petamours? Destroying the sanctity of marriage? (Some reasons are better than others)
Be ready to confront a lot of insecurities and wounds faster and more intensely than usual. The work can be triggering, so don't push too hard. While it can be fulfilling to nudge beyond your comfort zone, ignoring your capacities and boundaries can ultimately be detrimental.
IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO DO THE COUPLE OR "PRIMARY" THING:
Read up on concepts like couple privilege, the relationship escalator, mononormativity.
Establish agreements and boundaries with yourself and your partner. What's within your capacity? What are your hard limits?
Develop open communication. Don't hide shit from your partner - it will almost always bite you in the ass. Err on over-communicating rather than under-communicating.
Practice conflict resolution skills. Ideally, you are both on the same side, the same team tackling issues together, not against each other.
IT'S F*CKING HARD
Monogamous relationships by themselves are already difficult enough. Polyamorous relationships are already difficult enough.
Transitioning from one style of of connecting to a completely different style of connecting? (Especially in cultures that aggressively uphold white cishetero- mononormativity?)
A whole different ballgame.
It's going to be challenging. Your feelings are going to get hurt. You're going to hurt feelings. Respect your own boundaries and those of your partners. Balance compassion and accountability to navigating sustainably and responsibly. This isn't to scare people off - just a warning against flippancy.
BEWARE THE BURNOUT
Remember to rest.
Be intentional about carving out joy and pleasure.
Unfortunately, it's too easy for the experience to become traumatizing. Burnout is so real for newbies and oldies alike. Take breaks from the work - it can take a lot of time and emotional energy to unlearn decades of monogamous programming and to replace that with sometimes radically different mindsets, perspectives, and toolsets.
At the end of the day, this journey is about moving toward more liberatory ways of connecting with yourself and with others.
