I'm a solo polyamorist with relationship anarchy leanings who isn't interested in marriage - unless perhaps it's a friend with (excellent insurance) benefits - and doesn't want kids of my own and isn't especially drawn to living with partners. In realizing this over the years, I've felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders when it comes to dating and relationships. Here's where HIGH STANDARDS, LOW EXPECTATIONS comes in.

Online dating is so normalized, but it still exists in a weird liminal space of socialization. Monogamous dating can be hard enough, but there are even fewer examples and models when it comes to non-monogamous dating. If you don’t know where to begin when it comes to putting together a solid polyamorous dating profile, I hope this can help get you started!

Even 10 years into non-monogamy (and almost 30 years in the human experience), I can still find it difficult to confidently express my boundaries and to bring up concerns in a timely manner. Here are some strategies that have helped me communicate with partners when I’m emotionally activated.

Why wouldn't loving you be work? Why should loving you be easy? Being non-monogamous and examining the way I relate has helped me realize that of course it feels harder to support and connect with people when the responsibility rests on the shoulders of the individual.

“It's so cliche, but it's so true: the only constant is change. And I feel that it’s so true for non-monogamy, since people have to learn and grow a lot faster or more intensely than people who follow more monogamous or mono-normative journeys. So we've gotta' embrace change.“

"Limerence: a state of mind which results from romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person... and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.”

Just because we can date everyone doesn't mean we should.

Of course it's important to do the work, but it's not worth it if you're too tired to reap the benefits of your efforts at the end of the day.

It became clear that all unresolvable issues with my ex were rooted in the dynamic itself that existed outside of the non-monogamous structure. If anything, polyamory was one of the only good things that came out of it.

What does it look like when non-monogamous folks break up? If multiple people are involved, how is the structure divided up? Is it harder or easier than monogamous breakups? How can you tell if non-monogamy is still for you?

Progress is not a straight line nor does it have an end. Here are a few polyamory tips I've been reflecting on recently, regarding communication, mindfulness, and “being like water.”

Whether you're monogamous or non-monogamous, it's worth reflecting on why you're in the relationships you're in - this includes romantic, sexual, platonic, work-related, and familial connections, as well as systemic, structural ones.

TL;DR: Never force a relationship with a metamour. I appreciate being able to meet metas and develop familiarity and cultivate sense of ease together, but it is by no means a requirement. Here are examples from my first two years in non-monogamy.

In many polyam spaces, KTP is held up as an ideal relationship structure or philosophy. Some people love being able to have more than just a passing connection with their metas, where they can have a direct channel of communication and even become good friends outside of the relationship with the shared partner.

As a solo polyamorist (with avoidant attachment) who loves going about much of my day-to-day life on my own, I've found that my most stable, longest term relationships are with people who already have live-in partners / spouses.

I love educating on scarcity vs abundance mindset and I try to create reflective containers and provide actionable personal steps we can take to build more of the relationships we want.

However, it would be irresponsible to not address larger structures at play.

Providing guiding questions without acknowledging distinct barriers is no better than encouraging people to lift themselves up by their bootstraps.