“It's so cliche, but it's so true: the only constant is change. And I feel that it’s so true for non-monogamy, since people have to learn and grow a lot faster or more intensely than people who follow more monogamous or mono-normative journeys. So we've gotta' embrace change.“

"Limerence: a state of mind which results from romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person... and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.”

Just because we can date everyone doesn't mean we should.

Of course it's important to do the work, but it's not worth it if you're too tired to reap the benefits of your efforts at the end of the day.

It became clear that all unresolvable issues with my ex were rooted in the dynamic itself that existed outside of the non-monogamous structure. If anything, polyamory was one of the only good things that came out of it.

What does it look like when non-monogamous folks break up? If multiple people are involved, how is the structure divided up? Is it harder or easier than monogamous breakups? How can you tell if non-monogamy is still for you?

Progress is not a straight line nor does it have an end. Here are a few polyamory tips I've been reflecting on recently, regarding communication, mindfulness, and “being like water.”

Whether you're monogamous or non-monogamous, it's worth reflecting on why you're in the relationships you're in - this includes romantic, sexual, platonic, work-related, and familial connections, as well as systemic, structural ones.

TL;DR: Never force a relationship with a metamour. I appreciate being able to meet metas and develop familiarity and cultivate sense of ease together, but it is by no means a requirement. Here are examples from my first two years in non-monogamy.

In many polyam spaces, KTP is held up as an ideal relationship structure or philosophy. Some people love being able to have more than just a passing connection with their metas, where they can have a direct channel of communication and even become good friends outside of the relationship with the shared partner.

As a solo polyamorist (with avoidant attachment) who loves going about much of my day-to-day life on my own, I've found that my most stable, longest term relationships are with people who already have live-in partners / spouses.

I love educating on scarcity vs abundance mindset and I try to create reflective containers and provide actionable personal steps we can take to build more of the relationships we want.

However, it would be irresponsible to not address larger structures at play.

Providing guiding questions without acknowledging distinct barriers is no better than encouraging people to lift themselves up by their bootstraps.

"The default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal." - Amy Gahran, "Off the Relationship Escalator"

Date, move in, get married, have kids, buy a house... The higher up the escalator, the higher the assumed value and seriousness of the relationship. But does it have to be that way?

Have you ever felt obligated to continue investing in an unsatisfying relationship because you've invested so much already?

This is the Sunk Cost Fallacy and the relationship escalator is partially powered by it. Because what else are we supposed to do? How else are we to mitigate even greater losses? How could we possibly deserve more?

We literally have decades of mono-normative programming to sift through. Of course it's going to be tricky.

It can take much time and self-reflection to parse through the lessons and norms that actually do serve us versus the ones that are more arbitrary and hold us back from experiencing the level of freedom and connection we want.

Sex neutrality is another way to approach your relationship with sex — here is a reframe for when you’re feeling stuck between sex positive and shame.